I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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