Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
