Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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