yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
