i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
