I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Randomize
