After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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