The maid of honor just puked.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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