Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
