It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
