i don't like sucking hair
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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