i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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