hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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