That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
