Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
