We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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