her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
