her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
