Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
