did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
