I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Randomize
