Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
