I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
