I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
