walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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