Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
