Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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