Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
My liver just had a heart attack.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
