I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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