also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
