I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
The best revenge is premature balding
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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