the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
