Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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