i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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