He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
