In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
