capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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