I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Randomize
