a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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