Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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