his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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