So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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