this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
