Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
