I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize