A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
