Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
