Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
