hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
