I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
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