sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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