i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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