I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
