i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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